Strategies for communication - "the weed model"

Okay, so I like to think a lot about how we communicate in a clear, purposeful and considerate way. I’ve realised that there might be a few things that I use regularly, that others might have use for, and so I’ll be sharing a few of these. A lot of them might seem very obvious, and like things you already do (and that’s awesome!), but some may be worded in a way that gives you new tools. 

The first one is a tool for calibrating compromise, and in English gets the somewhat silly name ”the weed model” (want+need=weed, ”villhöver” in Swedish). According to this model, there are three levels of desiring something:

1. Want: ”This would be nice and make me happy, but not having it would not have a big impact on my overall well-being.
2. Weed: In between of want and need. ”This would make a big difference for me, and not having it would marginally/temporarily lessen my well-being, but I know that I’ll be okay without it.”
3. Need: ”This is something that is very important to me, and not having it would have a negative impact on my well-being.”

This is a tool that I’ve mainly used in calibrating poly relationships, but honestly it works just as well to calibrate any kind of relationship, be it romantic, friendly, family or something else.

In a situation where desires oppose, it is very helpful to me, to get a clear idea how important the issue is to the parties involved, by comparing levels of desire. This of course requires all parties to be very conscientious when rating their desires - the model must be used as a tool for honest and considerate compromise, not to get your way by bargaining.

Of course, it will often happen that you are on the same level of desire. Then you add the level of ”strong”, ”moderate” or ”weak” (or similar), to differentiate between for example a strong want compared to a moderate want.

For example:

• Person A and B live together. Person A  would like to invite friends over, but person B is tired from stressful work, and would like a quiet night at home. They find that A’s desire to have people over is a want, whereas B ”weeds” the alone time at home. Therefore it is decided to not have people over, giving A the option of going to someone else’s place to hang out if they want to.
• Person A and B are a primary couple. A wants to date person C on a specific night, but B would have liked to spend time with A on this night. However, after talking about it, B decides that spending time together on that night is merely a strong want/weak ”weed”, whereas A has a clear ”weed” to see C (since they rarely have a chance to see each other, or some such). Therefore A and C date on the night in question, and A and B take a different night for quality time.