Strategies for communication - request or offer

Request or offer. This is a very simple distinction, that nevertheless I find very useful. When someone is suggesting something - for example a phone call, that you solve something practical in a specific way, or that you do something together - I sometimes find it difficult to determine if it is an offer or a request, and have made a habit of asking. 

An offer is something they suggest because they think you would benefit from it, and while they do not mind doing it, it is not mainly for their own sake, but for yours.

A request is something they suggest because it would be beneficial to them, and while they do not think you will mind it, they mainly ask for their own sake, not for yours. 

So, for example, say that your partner suggests you talk on the phone for company. You like talking to them, and wouldn’t mind it, but right now are also doing things, so there is no intense need in your part. You could say yes anyway, because you assume they want it for their own sake - but usually, I prefer to ask if it’s a request or offer. If they want to talk to me for their own sake, I can make the time. If they mainly suggested it because they thought I might want it, then it can be put off to another time when either of us feel a more urgent desire.

Of course, it is usually not a clear-cut divide between request and offer. It is often a bit of both, and that’s not really a problem. 

It is also not a problem when someone is suggesting something as a offer, and you say yes to it. This is not a model to find out if someone secretly does not want to do what they’re suggesting - hopefully the people around you respect their own boundaries enough to not offer things they don’t want. If you are offered something, and you feel it will be good for you - by all means, say yes! This model is only meant to understand the intent behind a suggestion, so we can calibrate our wants and needs.