Strategies for communication - honesty without demand

Talking to my partner the other night, I was reminded about this thing that people often do, because we don’t want to burden or annoy people we care about: let’s say that you want something with/from someone, but suspect that they might not actually want the same thing, or not have the time/energy to offer it. So, you don’t say anything - or, when they ask, you say ”no, that’s okay”. They, of course, will interpret this as you actually having no interest in whatever it may be.

For example, you might want to see someone, but believing that they don’t want to see you (either because your anxieties tell you so, or because they seem busy and tired), and so you don’t mention your desire to see them. If they ask if you want to hang out, but it feels like they’re asking for your sake rather than their own, you might say no. (Offers of help and collaboration are also times where this often happens.) 

We say no because we think that stating what we want will feel like a demand, that the other will feel pressured to offer what we want at their own expense. 

Now, to avoid this from happening, I’d like to encourage a strategy of communication that might be called ”honesty without demand”, or ”what I want and what I think you want”. What you do is something along these lines:

1. Honestly say what you would prefer, and also make clear if it is a strong desire or just a preference (perhaps using the weed-model from my previous post).

2. Empathise with what the other person’s needs might be

3. Suggest possible solution, compromise, or simply open the door to saying no without negative feelings.

This can be done both when asking for things, replying to offers, and replying when things are asked of you.

For example:

”I would love to get your help with that! However, I know that you’re busy with a lot of stuff right now, so if you don’t really have the time that’s completely fine. However, if you really want to help maybe we could do [specific task] together?”

”Hey, can I see you tonight? Feeling a bit blue, and your company would help. However, if you’re tired, want alone time, or don’t have energy to deal with my sadness tonight, that’s okay. Perhaps we could talk on the phone for a few minutes, though?”

”That is a thing I would find helpful, I think. Are you offering because you want to, or because you feel like you should? I’ll gladly accept if it doesn’t mean too big of an effort for you.”

”Tonight, I’d rather be alone. If you have a strong need to see me, we can meet up for coffee for an hour or so, but I really need the evening alone with my thoughts. Does that work for you?”

It is of course not necessary to always communicate like this. But whenever it is unclear to me what people want for their own sake, and what they want because they feel like they should for the other’s sake, I find it very useful. 

Another way to go about it is asking each other what each of you want - without any consideration to what would be practical or appease others. Surprisingly often, people find this difficult. Stating your will is often associated with being self-centered and uncompromising. However, knowing what each part truly wishes is the best foundation for good compromise, because you will be able to adapt the compromise to your true wishes, instead of the wishes you have guessed and projected onto each other. 

The more you and the people in your life become used to stating your wills and your boundaries, the easier it will become. You will trust that no one will be hurt or resent you for paying attention to your own desires, and that it is easier to trust in others when you know that they are comfortable stating their needs and saying no.